. . . but I did not dream.
I love dreams, except for nightmares. I love recalling those crazy twisted dreams and trying to figure what was going on in my head that I could have thought such things when my mind was disengaged.
They say “house” dreams are about yourself, so the one I dreamed with the flooded basement probably was not a good sign. But what about the one where the staircase just went on forever with thousands of rooms on hundreds of floors, all furnished like a ritzy bed-and-breakfast? Hmm.
My other dreams, my wide-awake dreams where I plan how wonderful I will be next year, are another story. These dreams haunt me. I put them off, thinking I need some other thing to be just perfect before I can get started. You know the type: losing weight, writing a book, finishing crocheting that afghan, unpacking the last box from moving several years ago, etc. I know I should make some headway on at least some or at the very least one of these dreams, but the facts stand on the sidelines laughing at me. The facts are that I don’t do what I could and I don’t know why.
I used to keep ironing up to date. Really. I used to keep my flower beds weeded. I used to weigh less.
I think partly I was living before my children and insisted on setting a good example at all times. Now they are grown and mostly gone and no one is watching me.
Except the Lord. He sees. He knows.
What I used to do because I believed I must do it, I now must learn to do only because it is right. My mind allows me choices these days, and I am surprised at who I see living underneath all the exterior rules I had made for myself.
I distinctly remember thinking, when the last child was off to college, “Whew! Now I can rest and do whatever I please. Finally! I am my own puppy!”
I think I need to rethink.
I have slept. It’s time to wake up.
12 thoughts on “I Have Slept . . .”
I find myself where you are….getting much more done and kept up when our kids were home. Now….well, it can be a struggle and burden, all on me. Thanks for the link, but thanks for your thoughtful take on dreaming and making those dreams reality.
Thanks for this comment, Debby!
You know, I tend to forget how much my children did participate in the workload around here. They cleaned their own rooms, folded almost all clean laundry, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher every meal . . . nothing too strenuous, but it did give me time for early morning weeding if I could just walk away from breakfast in trust they would take over.
Still, now days I don’t even make breakfast. Hmm. Still have thinking to do–waking up to do. 🙂
I sure wouldn’t push yourself too hard. You do so much. I know how it is to ignore things that need to be done, but i hate to see that PUSHING things down one’s throat situation. If you want to feel healthier … maybe eat more veggies … or maybe crack open the box that’s been haunting you … but i don’t think the Lord would be too critical if you continued to be you, as is, right?
Oh, Melissa, you are so kind!
Of course, the Lord loves me just as I am. And if my plans do not please Him, of course it could be why I can’t get going!
I think the only time He was critical was when He confronted religious big shots who were stricter with their converts than they were with themselves. Hope that is not what I was with my kids!!!! ;-|
There can be too much of anything, even ease. I have to hear Him and OBEY Him. And find the problem with lack of productivity around here. 🙂
Love the snow falling on your blog.
Oh, I love it too, Karen. WordPress does this for us every December and I love just to go to my site and watch it and wish, sometimes. 😐 Always am sad when it disappears in January! 😦
I thought I’d only get better at that stuff as my I got older…guess I need to face the fact that this life really is a climb until the End. Still, it’s also encouraging to know that I never have to give up.
May you be blessed, Katharine. 🙂
I think it’s not so much better or worse, as it is a raising of the bar. A climb? Perhaps. But what I have seen–and this may be unique to home schoolers, a lot–is that a lot of energy gets wasted floundering, trying to figure out what becomes of a stay-at-home-mom (sahm) who has no kids. I don’t see a sahm in the Bible. It’s more like a sahwife or even sahwoman. I don’t know. Our education is mostly based on WWII economics, which really were abnormal, nearly freakish. I don’t know, really. I just know when the foundation wiggles, the whole house jiggles. My foundation was making a home that was good for kiddos, and that was right. There is no vision for after that, though. None at all. Everyone talks about my career. I have retired from my career, in my opinion. But it’s so complicated because the laundry still piles up. Ha! 😀
I find myself in the same place. My children are a little older, though still very young (ages 4.5-10). I know what I should be doing, but it’s not what I AM doing.
I’m making a heartfelt and honest effort to read the bible everyday, even if it’s only through a small devotional.
May God be with you this year.
Welcome to my site, Catt, and thanks for this addition to my post!
Oh, that heartfelt effort to read the Bible–what a heritage you will hand down to those children! Keep up the good work and be encouraged!
May God be with you, too.
Kathy–you may not be directly teaching your young children anymore since they are grown and mostly gone. Yet, with each post and photo you are teaching people and watering and fertilizing seeds so that seedlings form and the Son can reach them. Perhaps knowing that can motivate you on days when you may not see the immediacy…
I think there is truth to that Kate, and thanks for making that observation plain. But I just need to hear that voice that says “this is the way–walk in it . . . ” I will. I know I will. 🙂