What to Do if You Are Under a Manipulator – part 2

Tenzin Has A Tantrum
When an adult acts like this…

Yesterday we began a list of 7 tactics a person can try, when forced to deal repeatedly with a manipulative, controlling person. Today’s post is the rest of the list. First, though, we must repeat one fact: these suggestions do not apply well to a legitimate authority who uses a manipulative management style. Now, the rest of the list:

8.  Approach the controller when he least expects it. You call him, for a change. Arrange something irresistible and treat the person to a pleasant taste of his own medicine. He probably will pretend that he knew you were going to call, he was just thinking of the same idea, and will probably insist on paying his own way. Call his bluff, insist on paying, yourself, and make it the type of thing that denies him your presence unless you get a turn at running things, once in a while.

9.  When you just need to get alone and cannot achieve it, witness to the controller. Ask him what the Lord has been doing in his life, lately. Ask him if he has anything really special he could share from his quiet time. If he does not claim salvation, explain his need to him in a rather aggressive way. Ask him how you can pray for him. (It would be really mean to say this if you did not mean it, though!) Either he will go away in a frenzy, or he will hear the Word and be drawn to the Lord. If he is going to insist on tying up your life, let it be time well spent. You may be surprised.

10.  Pray for God’s protection from curses and negative words spoken over your life by this person.

11.  If you find that you simply cannot let go of your demonic manipulator, you probably need deliverance from a co-dependent spirit. Ask your pastor. If he does not believe in deliverance, ask him why deliverance is in the Bible; why Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever; or if the devil is less evil than he once was. As you begin withdrawing from the controlling influence, you can expect to see bizarre behavior such as screaming, silence, accusations, tears, hysterical laughter, threats, weird phone calls, etc. You are probably living with some of this already. It may escalate. Try to remain unruffled. SEE IT COMING; do not say, “I didn’t even see it coming!” Make some accusations of your own, if it gets to be too much, but do not make the mistake of engaging in a verbal battle. Calm reason in the face of total absurdity usually has a powerful way of making a point.

12.  If your manipulator is also your legitimate authority, realize your position means you should usually do what he says, regardless of a very horrid management style. You may escape many of the pitfalls of the manipulation by using #8 (a little), #9, and #10.

a.  Commit to obey God by keeping His command to obey your governing authorities.
b.  Commit your life and its outcomes to Him.
c.  Re-commit yourself to trusting God’s provision. Only He can change some situations.

Living within the type of agony caused by the manipulator/controller spirit among us is a difficult assignment. I’ve been there more than once. I’ve battled the false guilt, false accusations, public embarrassment, sadness, and sheer weight of this enemy of all people.

The unhappy ones who listen to this enemy of us all and who walk in his ways need help. Until they want it enough to get it, though, we endure as best we can.

I hope this list gives you some usable tools to do what you must do under your heavy load: DO NOT BE AN ENABLER

Tomorrow (Lord willing!): Tiny Hints that YOU May Be a Marionette!

Published by Katharine

Katharine is a writer, speaker, women's counselor, and professional mom. Happily married over 50 years to the same gorgeous guy. She loves cooking amazing homegrown food, celebrating grandbabies, her golden-egg-laying hennies, and watching old movies with popcorn. Her writing appears at Medium, Arkansas Women Bloggers, Contently, The Testimony Train, Taste Arkansas, Only in Arkansas, and in several professional magazines and one anthology.

20 thoughts on “What to Do if You Are Under a Manipulator – part 2

  1. EXCELLENT advice! and with me the false guilt comes from my own pride–expecting to be the perfect shoulder, listener, advisor, etc. sometimes i have learned i need to tell the person that i just can’t discuss it anymore and just can’t help…..then i try to step back and hope they really hear me!

    1. Kate, you’ve nailed it, all right. It is a co-dependency, what some couselors call a dual spirit, in that it works through two people, in order to work its destruction and theft. One must be controlling everyone and the other must be a dependent.
      What fouls it up is when one sees the problem and realizes, “I do not need this.” Usually, it is the controlled one who sees it first, feeling a sort of “I can’t believe it’s this person, AGAIN.”
      What upsets the controller, then, is the idea, the VERY idea: You don’t need me? You don’t need someone managing your life?
      OR, You aren’t flattered by my neediness? I don’t make you feel useful, wanted, important?
      Some people LITTLE guess the truth: I do not need to feel needed. I just have been commanded to help. If I am hindering, I need to move on. If I am feeding your demons, I am hindering.
      Breaking away from such a one is sometimes quite ugly and difficult, a picture of the confusion and frustration they LIVE with, bless them!
      Thanks for your insightful words!

      1. Ah, bless you, Dear. The line is straight and if you walk it, you will get to the other side by the shortest way. Blinders helped me, just like a horse through fire. Those of us who know where you are, are praying. It does not HAVE to be ugly. Just usually is. The comfort here is that the enemy is just in death throws. Ugly, but a good sign.

  2. Oh I love that! “I do not need to feel needed. I just have been commanded to help”. Perfectly said. Those are the ones who also love to insultingly criticize me, and if i get upset they put on an attitude and say “what? why are you taking it personally, I was only trying to help!”. Note that it is always unsolicited, and it is always insulting—attempting to give themselves a position of judgmental power. And the trap that precedes it is almost always set ever so sweetly….
    all i can do is pray for them…

    1. So hard to find good help these days.
      There are the help-promisers who never fulfill their promises.
      There are the help-wannabe’s who only think they are helping.
      There are the helping-myself-to-get-you-indebted-to-me types, who only want to be seen and paid back someday.
      It’s an endless list of pain and sadness that we can be immune to, if we stay vigilant, with love.

      1. Mine are the “You’re a SAHM (in spite of the fact that I actually WORK as a birth professional), you homeschool, you have plenty of time, of course you can do it, you always say yes, and when you finally say no, I will vent on facebook with passive-aggressive posts that don’t name names, but everyone knows it’s about you.”

        Sigh… a big part of that is my own fault. Practicing saying no, and meaning it is HARD. But I have repented, and I’m learning. Healthy boundaries can be hard to draw, but I’m determined to do it, with the help of my husband, my God, my mentor, and two women who are like iron on iron for me.

        1. Half of the battle is seeing the enemy. “We have seen the enemy and he is ours.”
          The other half is letting go and letting Jesus work it for you, in you, through you, with you.
          Grace, mercy, and peace to you, Sweet.

  3. If only I knew all these strategies 50 years ago, I would have made better decisions on drawing healthy boundaries for manipulative people. Unfortunately, many were relatives … I gave them the benefit of doubt but over time it wears on one’s soul until you finally say “enough” then it’s a shock to others.

    I know I’ve done everything from my heart because I wanted to … but expectations became unrealistic and as much as it hurts to have removed myself from these people I know it’s the healthiest thing to have done. Now it’s time for all the manipulators to gather together for more B.S., but this time I’m not along for the ride. If they’re gossiping about me … I know they’re leaving others alone. When I was at my worse (after injury) but I presented as though I was okay superficially I couldn’t process communication quickly. (I’m still a little slow, but it’s just a YIELD slow).

    It’s amazing how much one observes but you can’t react because the slow-processors. Manipulators take advantage of the vulnerable but later I felt guilty and took blame for too much. Not any longer even with a delayed processor. Delayed thinking can be helpful because it doesn’t cause you to over react, but sometimes you can’t see the forest from the trees or is that the trees from the forest?

    Take care and stay safe, Edie

    1. Edie, dearest!

      I am so sorry you had emotional pain piled atop physical and mental pain! I can imagine how it was because everyone goes through at least a bit of this and I’m no exception.

      We once had decided to adopt, but had to back down because the agency would not place a child with people whose relatives would not accept it. That’s where we were.

      And yes, there can be two sides to any disability. I remember reading about a blind woman who always said she was glad she was born blind because she never had to see any of the evil in this world and after she died the first things her eyes EVER would see would be the face of Jesus. That always touched me.

      Forgiveness is hard. But if you want to read about it, there’s a page tab, on my other site, dedicated to all my posts about forgiveness. It’s here: https://theconqueringmom.com/conquering-injustice/

      The one I’d most recommend is: https://katharinetrauger.wordpress.com/2011/11/06/and-what-if-i-dont-wanna/

      Prayers for you. ❤ K

      1. It’s the life experiences that make us who we are today and all types of pain is part of growing and learning. Albeit, everyone’s situation is different. Sometimes it’s necessary to totally remove oneself especially if it’s life-threatening.

        Forgiveness is important to everyone on whatever level they feel they can “forgive”, but doesn’t mean one would walk back into the situation again.

        It’s sad that even an adoption could not happen within a loving family just because another was unable to provide for the child. Certainly, that doesn’t mean the entire family is not capable. I will read on for your recommendation of “forgiveness”. Thank you. Take care and stay safe … And keeping Beth, her husband, you and everyone in prayer. Edie

            1. Ha! You are right! I think it’s almost popular to brag about having a cold! And getting well quickly is very impressive! Who brags, though, about being mistreated? Few. And those who do, are looking for sympathy, NOT for a cure! 😉

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