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What to Do if You Are Under a Manipulator – part 2

Posted on October 11, 2011December 18, 2015 by Katharine

Tenzin Has A Tantrum — When an adult acts like this…

Yesterday we began a list of 7 tactics a person can try, when forced to deal repeatedly with a manipulative, controlling person. Today’s post is the rest of the list. First, though, we must repeat one fact: these suggestions do not apply well to a legitimate authority who uses a manipulative management style. Now, the rest of the list:

8. Approach the controller when he least expects it. You call him, for a change. Arrange something irresistible and treat the person to a pleasant taste of his own medicine. He probably will pretend that he knew you were going to call, he was just thinking of the same idea, and will probably insist on paying his own way. Call his bluff, insist on paying, yourself, and make it the type of thing that denies him your presence unless you get a turn at running things, once in a while.

9. When you just need to get alone and cannot achieve it, witness to the controller. Ask him what the Lord has been doing in his life, lately. Ask him if he has anything really special he could share from his quiet time. If he does not claim salvation, explain his need to him in a rather aggressive way. Ask him how you can pray for him. (It would be really mean to say this if you did not mean it, though!) Either he will go away in a frenzy, or he will hear the Word and be drawn to the Lord. If he is going to insist on tying up your life, let it be time well spent. You may be surprised.

10. Pray for God’s protection from curses and negative words spoken over your life by this person.

11. If you find that you simply cannot let go of your demonic manipulator, you probably need deliverance from a co-dependent spirit. Ask your pastor. If he does not believe in deliverance, ask him why deliverance is in the Bible; why Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever; or if the devil is less evil than he once was. As you begin withdrawing from the controlling influence, you can expect to see bizarre behavior such as screaming, silence, accusations, tears, hysterical laughter, threats, weird phone calls, etc. You are probably living with some of this already. It may escalate. Try to remain unruffled. SEE IT COMING; do not say, “I didn’t even see it coming!” Make some accusations of your own, if it gets to be too much, but do not make the mistake of engaging in a verbal battle. Calm reason in the face of total absurdity usually has a powerful way of making a point.

12. If your manipulator is also your legitimate authority, realize your position means you should usually do what he says, regardless of a very horrid management style. You may escape many of the pitfalls of the manipulation by using #8 (a little), #9, and #10.

Also:
a. Commit to obey God by keeping His command to obey your governing authorities.
b. Commit your life and its outcomes to Him.
c. Re-commit yourself to trusting God’s provision. Only He can change some situations.

Living within the type of agony caused by the manipulator/controller spirit among us is a difficult assignment. I’ve been there more than once. I’ve battled the false guilt, false accusations, public embarrassment, sadness, and sheer weight of this enemy of all people.

The unhappy ones who listen to this enemy of us all and who walk in his ways need help. Until they want it enough to get it, though, we endure as best we can.

I hope this list gives you some usable tools to do what you must do under your heavy load: DO NOT BE AN ENABLER

Tomorrow (Lord willing!): Tiny Hints that YOU May Be a Marionette!

Blessings of Habit, Health, Inspiring, Who's the mom here?, Wisdom

What to Do if You Are Under a Manipulator – Part 1

Posted on October 10, 2011January 20, 2015 by Katharine

If you and a manipulative person are thrown in together in a way where you cannot escape, what can you do?

First, realize this does not apply to your God-ordained authorities. This means your pastor, husband, parents (if you are young and single), boss, police, mayor, judges, etc. These people are supposed to have some say in your life and you should do what they say if it is not illegal.
Be careful of receiving gifts, compliments, invitations, etc., especially if they have implied debts attached to them (strings attached). You may feel that God wants you to accept the item, but always remember that anything given to you is yours to do with or about as you see fit. A gift is not a contract. If you did not say you would reciprocate with a certain favor because of what you have received, you are not bound to do so when such favors are brought up after the fact.
Seek God daily about your daily activities. Make God your daily planner, not the person who is trying to be God.
Plan ahead. Decide before the telephone rings how long you need to spend on the telephone today. Decide before you receive an invitation for dinner whether or not you are available to go out. Decide before the next time the person is trying to cry, just exactly what your response should be, then . . .
Do not back down! Make “no” mean NO. you can be very polite and still say “no” and make it stick. Do not worry about what the person will think; these people are not responsible for their thoughts and their thoughts are mostly irrational and unpredictable, anyway. No matter what you do, you will invoke base thought from a manipulator.
Be merciless with the sin of control; love the sinner. You can be very distant from a person for his own good, out of love for the person. You could deny an alcoholic liquor because you loved him, right? This time, you are the addictive substance that is being consumed to the point of abuse. Someone has to stop it.
Don’t major on minors. Allow a little control, if you see that it doesn’t matter, especially at first. Let the person choose your ice cream, parking spot, whatever will soften the initial blow of weaning. Save your insistence for choosing friends, movies, books, etc. Also, if the controller lies about the laundry, for instance, let it go, but if lies about your children pop up, expose them.

Hope this is beginning to make sense. More coming tomorrow!

Health, Inspiring, Photos, Scripture, Who's the mom here?, Wisdom

Ten Ways to Spot a Manipulator a Mile Away

Posted on October 7, 2011January 20, 2015 by Katharine

Oh, don’t we all find ourselves caught in a web prepared by some manipulator, sometimes?

It can be so hard to extricate ourselves. I am sure we would love if they wore beepers, so we could walk far around them.

In a way, they do.

I would love to share about this, in hope of sparing someone out there, if possible. Following are a few of the many signs of a controller/manipulator personality:

They usually do not have their own lives under control. You know the ones–3 times the size they should be, scream at their children lots, talk too loudly, abuse substances, have barely a pathway through their overly-stuffed home, etc.
They do not delegate well, and want to be the only one able to do the job right. We wish!–Because they volunteer too much and think they are good managers, even assume bogus titles to prove it, right? They are prideful and want you to think they know everything.
They ignore you, flatter you, change the subject, or know someone ELSE it applies to, but don’t self-apply good teaching; usually can’t get the Spritual application of it.
They gossip and gripe. Gr-r-r!
They want special privileges and unnatural private time. A lot.
They are resistant to, or even terrified of, proper authority, proper control.
They are long on doctrine, short on loving understanding; they try to confuse the mind.
They can become quite angry.
They often have been deeply wounded in the past and may be driven by avoiding further hurt.
They always, always have the person they manipulate, or “own”, foremost in thought and speech.

Okay, this is the short list. There is more, but the big thing to remember is that these people feel so insecure, it is sad. They do what they do to feel more secure, usually, to try to keep everything under control and at arm’s length, to avoid pain.

Note: Just because you have a PhD in blogging, need to lose 70 pounds, like me a lot, and send me personal notes of encouragement, it does NOT mean you’re trying to manipulate me!!! Just don’t google my phone number, call me, and rant at me for an hour, and we’ll be fine! 🙂

Oh, and the mother/child relationship is different. You are supposed to devote lots to your children, cherish them, think of them always, manage their little lives, etc. Most manipulators, although they should, do not do this.

Just remember one day, when they’re grown, you will have to let go of your children. Manipulators usually do not do that, either.

To see these concepts in action in the Bible, read about the lives of King Saul and Prince Absalom, in 1 Samuel 9 through 2 Samuel 19. David’s reaction to both was mostly good.

Click here to read the next page of this series!

Blessings of Habit, Good ol' days, Health, Homemaking, Photos, Recipes

Pear Butter

Posted on October 4, 2011October 4, 2011 by Katharine

: Bumper Crop

Oh, to bring back the days of sweet, crunchy pears! What memories of delicious fruit we would have forever!

We cannot bring them back, but we can prolong those days by helping the harvest last longer, by canning those pears.

If you are coming into the lovely problem of too many pears, here is how we deal with them–mmm!

1. Core and remove stems, but do not peel pears. Remove bad spots. Drop into 1 gallon water with 1 vitamin C tablet crushed in it.
2. Drain pears. Bring to boil in non-reactive pan (stainless steel or enamel) over medium heat with 1/2″ fresh water in covered pan.
3. Allow pears in water to simmer, stirring, until fruit is soft, adding water if necessary, to prevent scorching.
4. Mash pears or press through colander.
5. Return pulp to pan and season to taste with brown sugar, and if desired, cinnamon.
6. Reheat until simmering and hold at simmering for a few minutes. Keep at simmering, stirring, during entire process. Add water if needed.
7. Meanwhile, estimate number of pint or smaller canning jars you will need to contain all the pear butter. Wash carefully and rinse these jars. Count the same number of canning lids (flats) and heat in small saucepan of water as directed on box. Set aside and keep hot. Be sure to have one screw band for each lid. Lay one or two jars down in another large pan with 2″ water in it. Cover and bring to boil. Bring to boil another covered pan large enough to hold all the jars at once, with water enough to cover all the jars and rack in bottom of pan to keep jars from direct contact with bottom. (This pan should be a bit larger than your largest burner, and at leat 16″ tall, like a spaghetti boiler. The perfect pan is often called a “water bath canner”. If you lack a lid, a pizza pan works fine.)
8. Using jar lifter, carefully remove one jar from boiling water, emptying into boiling pan, and set it upright onto thick towelling.
9. Using canning funnel and long-handled measuring cup, carefully ladle simmering pear sauce into jar, within 1/2″ of top. Wipe rim clean and dry. Remove flat from hot water with tines of fork. Apply flat and screw band to filled jar, using thick towel to protect hands from heat. Use jar lifter to set lidded jar into tall pan of boiling water.
10. Repeat until all sauce is in jars, in boiling water bath. Time boiling from this time, for 15 minutes. Remove jars and set on clean, DRY towelling. Cover with light towel and allow to cool away from drafts. Do not disturb until completely cooled.
11. Remove screw bands from all sealed jars. (Sealed jars will be indented on top.) Place any unsealed jars in refrigerator and use very soon. Place all others in cool, dark place to keep for at least a year and use whenever you miss those crunchy pears!

We use this in place of jam on buttered toast.

Sometimes I only add white sugar and no spices to this recipe and we eat it like applesauce. Sometimes the pears are so sweet, I skip the sugar, too.

It’s all good!

I do hope these directions were clear. I ‘d be happy to answer all questions here. Remember, the only dumb question is the unspoken one! 🙂

Believe it or not!, Blessings of Habit, Health, Photos, Womanhood

DRAMA QUEENS!

Posted on September 29, 2011March 18, 2014 by Katharine

Mostly I will allow these shots to speak for themselves.

I don’t know where you live, but if you know anything about wasps, which is what the large creature is, here, you know that anything smaller than a wasp that can make a wasp act terrified, is a force to be dealt with.

I dealt with them both.

But look!

What you see here is a large, round, brown planter beside a smaller, rectangular, gray planter, with a large black wasp caught in a black widow web. It is she, herself, also visible, moving in. Can you see her red dots?

Sorry I couldn’t stage these better. Uncooperative subjects! The widow is obvious unafraid; not so, the wasp.

Based on the size of it, the wasp may have been a queen? Makes a good story: One queen defeats another.

"I'll wrap this up later..." — “I’ll wrap this up later…”

It’s that time of year, when we remember we are surrounded, here, with large and dangerous beasts. Always, stay at least four feet from a black widow spider because it is a jumping spider and is fearless.

Well, almost fearless. I used a zoom function to get this seemingly close. At first she was put off by my flash, but she got over it.

And always, ALWAYS go immediately to a hospital if a black widow spider bites you. They may not give you anti-venom, but they will know what to do and you will need close observation for at least two days. A black widow spider bite can kill a full-grown man in about 4 hours. Do not think you are an exception.

As a clue, besides the obvious red marking on a shiny black spider, the web is tough and of no apparent pattern, as if the weaver were drunk. It makes an audible tearing sound if you tear it, because it is such a tough web. They prefer undisturbed places, which our front porch has become, since it’s been so hot around here.

Time to sweep!

Blessings of Habit, Coffee-ism, Health, Husbands, Photos, Wives

The Keys in the Car Caper

Posted on September 24, 2011November 18, 2013 by Katharine

keys to your kingdom — Take your keys with you!

“You can tell it any way you want to, but you did it.”

Those were my husband’s parting words to me, administered with an ornery grin.

Oh yeah. I did it.

I went to town (partly to run errands for him) and when I accidentally left my keys in the car, I also accidentally locked it.

It’s one of those newer models and the guys in the auto parts store apologized that they were scared to try to help with it.

It would have made a good Lucy Ball episode.

Except — these days we have cell phones. I could call my husband and plead insanity and he would come help me.

Except — he wasn’t in the house. So I unknowingly woke our night-shift working daughter. Ooh, I was so sorry about that. She had no idea where her dad was, she mumbled to me, but would find him for me and he would come and help me.

Except — when he got back to the house from tending chickens, he learned he also had accidentally left his keys in the car I had taken to town. He remembered and found the valet key he had stashed wherever guys keep valet keys, borrowed our daughter’s car, and came to my rescue.

Meanwhile, I had gone across the street to get a cup of coffee and had shared my end of the story with the kind waitress. She was so sympathetic, she gave me her pen to cheer me up.

By now, as I feared, the whole town knows about our keys, the only excitement we’ve had for at least a week, but I have learned a new level of cherishing thankfulness for this tiny town where the parts guys contemplated helping and the coffee waitress gave me her pen.

And that’s how I want to tell it.

And I did not do quite all of it.

Believe it or not!, Health, Herbs, Photos, Pre-schoolers, Recipes, Who's the mom here?

Just Like B’sketti! – A Recipe of Sorts

Posted on August 17, 2011March 17, 2016 by Katharine

Homemade spaghetti How to cook. How to cook. How to cook for little ones who may not like my cooking . . .

Part of me felt like the character in No Reservations played by Catherine Zeta Jones, who was accustomed to satisfying finicky eaters by scrounging for ever more obscure ingredients, and faced with the dilemma of feeding a small child who did not feel like eating at all.

And part of me felt like just doing my thing and if there was a problem, they would eat once they got hungry. That part of me won out.

The children had expressed curiosity when we were shopping. I selected mushrooms, and they had not ever noticed raw ones before so asked what they were. When I told them, they made faces.

My turn.

For supper, I fixed the best marinara I could imagine and used some of those mushrooms, sliced and sautéed in olive oil, along with a large clove of wild garlic from our field, also sliced. We still have tiny onions left from our overheated garden, and I included a few of them, sliced. As all these paper-thin slices were beginning to brown, I added small chunks of a bell pepper a friend had brought me, along with one of her jalapenos, whole.

While some of the oil in the pan was still available, I tossed in freshly-crushed basil and oregano, and stripped a few leaves off a fresh stem of rosemary. All was sizzling along nicely when I remembered the soup base. I actually made soup base this year, which is merely whole tomatoes, washed and cored, and tossed into a blender, skins, seeds, and all, to be liquefied for a thicker sauce than we can obtain from just juice. I prefer the muskier taste the seeds lend and the redder coloring the skins contribute. It is the only way I will deal with only a gallon of tomatoes. Cleaning out my Victorio tomato strainer just kills me, if it’s for only a few quarts of juice.

Once the fresh rosemary had softened a bit, I tossed in a quart of the soup base. It sizzled just a bit, as it landed in the pan. Perfect. Since one of us cannot eat many foods without some Worcestershire sauce, I dolloped some of that in, too. And a bit of catsup for sweetening.

I slowly brought it to a boil.

Lastly, I added a whole bag of Great Value frozen 5-cheese ravioli. Yep. You may cringe at that, but I have read labels, and it has nothing in it but foodstuffs, all pronounceable. Probably not very organic, though.

Once it returned to simmering, I turned down the heat and covered it. Then I prepared a small lettuce, tomato, and carrot salad. The children had been impressed that the grape tomatoes I had bought had come “all the way from MISSOURI!” That seemed so exotic to them. I figured they’d at least eat the tomatoes.

After all was dished out and cut to bite-size, the littlest one sampled the ravioli and looked up at me so sweetly to comment:

“It tastes just like b’sketti.”

Kudos to the cook, I suppose.