Posted in Blessings of Habit, Home School, Inspiring, Photos, Pre-schoolers, Scripture, Wisdom

Our Rewarder God

Blue ribbon
GOOD JOB! I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!

Everyone who comes to God must believe these two things:

  1. That He exists
  2. That He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

This is truth, according to His Word, which is what we must accept if we accept that He is there to deny, to hate, to dispute, to blame, to doubt, to question, to quote, to copy, to seek, to find, or to acknowledge.

Another truth: all God-haters must admit He exists or their whole life-work has been wasted, right? Same for blamers, questioners, etc. They just miss, entirely, the BENEFITS of His existence, because they do not, also, believe that He rewards, and would joyfully reward THEM.

But He does. He would.

So, it is mandatory to reward our children; we must raise them up in the discipline of the Lord. Reward is one way He disciplines us.

“What?!” you say. “I thought discipline meant things like time-out or skipping dessert!”

While unpleasant consequences are, indeed, a valid part of discipline, God’s Word also shows us that He adds rewards to His method of discipline, which He has commanded us to use.

Why do we fear rewards? I have heard parents say, “I refuse to bribe my children to do right.”

Again, we show our ignorance, because, according to the Word of Him Who requires we do right, bribery—rewarding to do WRONG—is wrong, and rewarding to do right is right.

God’s discipline also includes praise. Consider this: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant . . . ” Or: “This is My Beloved Son, in Whom I AM well pleased . . . “ We cannot deny that He does praise us, also.

So we should praise our own. This is truth.

There is one facet of all this truth that escapes notice, though.

Humility.

His Word says, “Humble yourself, therefore, under the mighty hand of God and He will exalt you in due time.”

His Word says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

As one of His most famous followers said, “He must increase; I must decrease,” and “I am not worthy even to untie His shoe . . .”

We sometimes hear someone who has received great praise saying something like, “Oh, you are setting me up for a fall!” referring to the Scripture that reads, “Pride goeth before a fall . . . “

Still we should praise and reward good jobs, wherever we see them, and especially in our children’s lives. Missing this facet of childhood has caused many adults to grow up warped, never praised, never rewarded, and also never pitied and probably never sent to the corner or switched when they needed that. Undisciplined, they grow up with no self-discipline and probably no healthy concept of God, either, since we learn those from our parents.

Many adults fail to praise or reward other adults, though, and a job well done can make a hurting person jealous. People raised wrong envy beauty, industry, discipline, etc., and often grow snarky instead of praising. We just have to forgive them.

However, it is God, not people, Who watches our ways to give us joy. Humans will praise and reward us, if that is God’s chosen pathway for our praise and rewards to come, but only in due time. He may, though, choose to use His audible voice, instead! Or, our rewards may mostly come in the next life.

But we don’t care. It is a joy to wait upon the Lord. So we patiently seek out His will and try hard to do right, for the joy of pleasing Him, and we humbly wait for that due time, when He will, most assuredly, reward us. Because He IS a rewarder.

And for the snarky-jealous? Maybe we should find some way to give them a bit of the praise they never got during childhood?

Posted in Believe it or not!, Health, Inspiring, Photos, Wisdom

Ten Subtle Hints that You Might Be Someone’s Marionette

Panneau marionette
CAUTION!

Is this “feeling” of being under outside control more than just a feeling?

You may be starting to wonder, “Am I being controlled? Is this something I should begin taking more seriously? Could this problem person in my life be a bigger problem than I am realizing?”

Read the following list and wonder no more. Fine tune your manipulation radar and live free!

  1. You cringe when the phone rings. And it almost always rings at the wrong time. Like when you are trying to get some work done. And it almost always is that person.
  2. The problem person is surrounded with weak people who always cater to him and ask you to do likewise. She has lots of friends. But they act worn out and bored all the time.
  3. You cannot remember “how I got into this.” Often. You end up despairing because you have too much to do. You do not feel comfortable just saying “no”.
  4. You deal with this person’s needs before your own, and can’t figure why. Enough said.
  5. Being polite has not helped. In fact, sometimes it seems to bring out the worst in her.
  6. Your problem person has accused you falsely, several times, of nit-picky things. You feel stupid negating it, so you sigh and let it go.
  7. Your spouse is getting tired of this. And you really cannot blame him.
  8. You fear hurting the problem person’s feelings. You care.
  9. Even when you take a vacation, hundreds of miles from this person, his name or troubles pop up in conversations, so there still is no rest.
  10. Your friends are backing away a bit. You are weird with this friend…

There you have it. Do you feel more certain now? You may be a marionette, but you still can cut at least a few of the strings that lead you around and at least tone down the level of outside control over your life. Read the previous posts to learn more, here, here, and here.

And live free.

(*Image via Wikipedia.)

Posted in Believe it or not!, Blessings of Habit, Health, Inspiring, Photos, Wisdom

What to Do if You Are Under a Manipulator – part 2

Tenzin Has A Tantrum
When an adult acts like this…

Yesterday we began a list of 7 tactics a person can try, when forced to deal repeatedly with a manipulative, controlling person. Today’s post is the rest of the list. First, though, we must repeat one fact: these suggestions do not apply well to a legitimate authority who uses a manipulative management style. Now, the rest of the list:

8.  Approach the controller when he least expects it. You call him, for a change. Arrange something irresistible and treat the person to a pleasant taste of his own medicine. He probably will pretend that he knew you were going to call, he was just thinking of the same idea, and will probably insist on paying his own way. Call his bluff, insist on paying, yourself, and make it the type of thing that denies him your presence unless you get a turn at running things, once in a while.

9.  When you just need to get alone and cannot achieve it, witness to the controller. Ask him what the Lord has been doing in his life, lately. Ask him if he has anything really special he could share from his quiet time. If he does not claim salvation, explain his need to him in a rather aggressive way. Ask him how you can pray for him. (It would be really mean to say this if you did not mean it, though!) Either he will go away in a frenzy, or he will hear the Word and be drawn to the Lord. If he is going to insist on tying up your life, let it be time well spent. You may be surprised.

10.  Pray for God’s protection from curses and negative words spoken over your life by this person.

11.  If you find that you simply cannot let go of your demonic manipulator, you probably need deliverance from a co-dependent spirit. Ask your pastor. If he does not believe in deliverance, ask him why deliverance is in the Bible; why Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever; or if the devil is less evil than he once was. As you begin withdrawing from the controlling influence, you can expect to see bizarre behavior such as screaming, silence, accusations, tears, hysterical laughter, threats, weird phone calls, etc. You are probably living with some of this already. It may escalate. Try to remain unruffled. SEE IT COMING; do not say, “I didn’t even see it coming!” Make some accusations of your own, if it gets to be too much, but do not make the mistake of engaging in a verbal battle. Calm reason in the face of total absurdity usually has a powerful way of making a point.

12.  If your manipulator is also your legitimate authority, realize your position means you should usually do what he says, regardless of a very horrid management style. You may escape many of the pitfalls of the manipulation by using #8 (a little), #9, and #10.

Also:
a.  Commit to obey God by keeping His command to obey your governing authorities.
b.  Commit your life and its outcomes to Him.
c.  Re-commit yourself to trusting God’s provision. Only He can change some situations.

Living within the type of agony caused by the manipulator/controller spirit among us is a difficult assignment. I’ve been there more than once. I’ve battled the false guilt, false accusations, public embarrassment, sadness, and sheer weight of this enemy of all people.

The unhappy ones who listen to this enemy of us all and who walk in his ways need help. Until they want it enough to get it, though, we endure as best we can.

I hope this list gives you some usable tools to do what you must do under your heavy load: DO NOT BE AN ENABLER

Tomorrow (Lord willing!): Tiny Hints that YOU May Be a Marionette!

Posted in Blessings of Habit, Health, Inspiring, Who's the mom here?, Wisdom

What to Do if You Are Under a Manipulator – Part 1

If you and a manipulative person are thrown in together in a way where you cannot escape, what can you do?

  1. First, realize this does not apply to your God-ordained authorities. This means your pastor, husband, parents (if you are young and single), boss, police, mayor, judges, etc. These people are supposed to have some say in your life and you should do what they say if it is not illegal.
  2. Be careful of receiving gifts, compliments, invitations, etc., especially if they have implied debts attached to them (strings attached). You may feel that God wants you to accept the item, but always remember that anything given to you is yours to do with or about as you see fit. A gift is not a contract. If you did not say you would reciprocate with a certain favor because of what you have received, you are not bound to do so when such favors are brought up after the fact.
  3. Seek God daily about your daily activities. Make God your daily planner, not the person who is trying to be God.
  4. Plan ahead. Decide before the telephone rings how long you need to spend on the telephone today. Decide before you receive an invitation for dinner whether or not you are available to go out. Decide before the next time the person is trying to cry, just exactly what your response should be, then . . .
  5. Do not back down! Make “no” mean NO. you can be very polite and still say “no” and make it stick. Do not worry about what the person will think; these people are not responsible for their thoughts and their thoughts are mostly irrational and unpredictable, anyway. No matter what you do, you will invoke base thought from a manipulator.
  6. Be merciless with the sin of control; love the sinner. You can be very distant from a person for his own good, out of love for the person. You could deny an alcoholic liquor because you loved him, right? This time, you are the addictive substance that is being consumed to the point of abuse. Someone has to stop it.
  7. Don’t major on minors. Allow a little control, if you see that it doesn’t matter, especially at first. Let the person choose your ice cream, parking spot, whatever will soften the initial blow of weaning. Save your insistence for choosing friends, movies, books, etc. Also, if the controller lies about the laundry, for instance, let it go, but if lies about your children pop up, expose them.

Hope this is beginning to make sense. More coming tomorrow!

Posted in Health, Inspiring, Photos, Scripture, Who's the mom here?, Wisdom

Ten Ways to Spot a Manipulator a Mile Away

Breguet_manipulator
Breguet Manipulator

Oh, don’t we all find ourselves caught in a web prepared by some manipulator, sometimes?

It can be so hard to extricate ourselves. I am sure we would love if they wore beepers, so we could walk far around them.

In a way, they do.

I would love to share about this, in hope of sparing someone out there, if possible. Following are a few of the many signs of a controller/manipulator personality:

  1. They usually do not have their own lives under control. You know the ones–3 times the size they should be, scream at their children lots, talk too loudly, abuse substances, have barely a pathway through their overly-stuffed home, etc.
  2. They do not delegate well, and want to be the only one able to do the job right. We wish!–Because they volunteer too much and think they are good managers, even assume bogus titles to prove it, right? They are prideful and want you to think they know everything.
  3. They ignore you, flatter you, change the subject, or know someone ELSE it applies to, but don’t self-apply good teaching; usually can’t get the Spritual application of it.
  4. They gossip and gripe. Gr-r-r!
  5. They want special privileges and unnatural private time. A lot.
  6. They are resistant to, or even terrified of, proper authority, proper control.
  7. They are long on doctrine, short on loving understanding; they try to confuse the mind.
  8. They can become quite angry.
  9. They often have been deeply wounded in the past and may be driven by avoiding further hurt.
  10. They always, always have the person they manipulate, or “own”, foremost in thought and speech.

Okay, this is the short list. There is more, but the big thing to remember is that these people feel so insecure, it is sad. They do what they do to feel more secure, usually, to try to keep everything under control and at arm’s length, to avoid pain.

Note: Just because you have a PhD in blogging, need to lose 70 pounds, like me a lot, and send me personal notes of encouragement, it does NOT mean you’re trying to manipulate me!!! Just don’t google my phone number, call me, and rant at me for an hour, and we’ll be fine! 🙂

Oh, and the mother/child relationship is different. You are supposed to devote lots to your children, cherish them, think of them always, manage their little lives, etc. Most manipulators, although they should, do not do this.

Just remember one day, when they’re grown, you will have to let go of your children. Manipulators usually do not do that, either.

To see these concepts in action in the Bible, read about the lives of King Saul and Prince Absalom, in 1 Samuel 9 through 2 Samuel 19. David’s reaction to both was mostly good.

Click here to read the next page of this series!

Posted in Believe it or not!, Blessings of Habit, Inspiring, Pre-schoolers, Sayings, Who's the mom here?, Wisdom

A New Kind of Countdown . . .

Do you “count” you kids down?

You know, you tell them to do something and they don’t do it.

So you say, “One . . . ”

The implication is that you have told them once and you are keeping track, so you must really mean it. Or something.

Then you tell them again, and you say, “That’s two,” a bit more firmly.

Then you tell them again, and you say,  “Don’t make me get out of this chair!” They yawn.

And the countdown begins again.

The children learn they do not have to do anything you say because what you say does not really mean anything at all, and your frustration level escalates.

Well, I was at a craft show this weekend and met a lady who “counts” her grandsons and it is all different. I liked it.

She has taught these two boys to repeat a chant with her. It goes like this:

–Grandmother: One.

–Grandsons: One–I am going a wrong way.

Grandmother: Two.

Grandsons: Two–I need to find a different way.

You may wonder where the expected “three” is. On “three” she gets out of her chair. That’s one reason this method works.

(However, as a child, I am sure I would have been saying inside myself, “Three–I need to get OUT of the way!”)

As I observed these boys I marvelled. They had been without Mom for a week and were at a boring craft fair where it was not appropriate for them to do anything. They shared one toy truck and played on the ground with it.

When one boy decided to drive the truck on the sidewalk, Grandmother perceived he was causing a tripping hazard for the shoppers. So she told him to stop and return to the grassy places where her tent was.

He did this only briefly, then strayed to the sidewalk again.

Then she said, “One.”

He replied, “One–I am going a wrong way,” and he sighed, returning to the grass.

In less than a minute his toy truck had strayed again. And Grandmother said, “Two.”

He answered, “Two–I need to find a different way.” Then my jaw dropped, I am sure, as he calmly walked over to his brother, handed him the toy, and wryly said, “See if you can keep this thing off the sidewalk. I can’t.”

I imagine these two little guys, someday at age 35 or so, filling out a tax form or zipping down a highway, temped to “forget” some benefit or accelerate too much, and hearing Grandmother say to them, through the ages, “One . . . “

Posted in Believe it or not!, Blessings of Habit, Health, Photos, Womanhood

DRAMA QUEENS!

Mostly I will allow these shots to speak for themselves.

I don’t know where you live, but if you know anything about wasps, which is what the large creature is, here, you know that anything smaller than a wasp that can make a wasp act terrified, is a force to be dealt with.

I dealt with them both.

But look!

Trying to Escape
Trying to Escape

What you see here is a large, round, brown planter beside a smaller, rectangular, gray planter, with a large black wasp caught in a black widow web. It is she, herself, also visible, moving in. Can you see her red dots?

Closing In!
Closing In!

Sorry I couldn’t stage these better. Uncooperative subjects! The widow is obvious unafraid; not so, the wasp.

Just like that, the wasp is dead.
Just like that, the wasp is dead.

Based on the size of it, the wasp may have been a queen? Makes a good story: One queen defeats another.

"I'll wrap this up later..."
“I’ll wrap this up later…”

It’s that time of year, when we remember we are surrounded, here, with large and dangerous beasts. Always, stay at least four feet from a black widow spider because it is a jumping spider and is fearless.

Well, almost fearless. I used a zoom function to get this seemingly close. At first she was put off by my flash, but she got over it.

And always, ALWAYS go immediately to a hospital if a black widow spider bites you. They may not give you anti-venom, but they will know what to do and you will need close observation for at least two days. A black widow spider bite can kill a full-grown man in about 4 hours. Do not think you are an exception.

As a clue, besides the obvious red marking on a shiny black spider, the web is tough and of no apparent pattern, as if the weaver were drunk. It makes an audible tearing sound if you tear it, because it is such a tough web. They prefer undisturbed places, which our front porch has become, since it’s been so hot around here.

Time to sweep!