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Seven Reasons Why Your Christian Husband Can’t Do Better – Part 6

Posted on October 29, 2011April 28, 2014 by Katharine

Reason #6

He Is Trying to Please You

The man living to please his wife is afraid. He won’t measure up. He’ll make a mistake. He’s sure of it.

Candle in the Window (Photo credit: Chris Campbell)

How did he get this way? Probably, he suffered at the hands of his parents.

However, he gets no relief from kicking himself unless he knows you’re happy, and convincing him of your happiness can be hard. His service to you goes beyond Christian charity. Face it: You are an idol in his life. He’ll likely fail to do much for the Lord unless he takes his eyes off you, turns around, and looks to Jesus.

Solution #6: How do you dance with a man who won’t lead? How tempting simply to express your opinion, let him fulfill your will, and live it up!

Yes, it is.

Is that Godly?

No, it is not.

God wants you to be a helper, fit for him, but he is afraid. He fears losing you, failing you, displeasing you…he fears YOU!

The fear of man (or woman) is a snare. God wants him to stand, throw off this fear, know the voice of Jesus, and walk in the light.

The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.

It’s not your fault. Someone has done this to him, but you suffer, too. Someone has broken, squashed, or grated on your man, when he was a little boy. To him, anything would be worse than your displeasure. Somehow, someone has to undo this wrong.

The hard part is dying to yourself. If your husband had a physical handicap, you’d never think of tripping him when he walked. You’d gladly fetch his cane, rub liniment, or whatever, to help him heal.

Instead, his affliction is emotional. The things that trip him are the everyday nuances of personality that anyone else can bear. A pout, a sigh, or a frown make you appear to be unhappy. He is alarmed. He quizzes you. You resent it. He feels shut out. You feel helpless. It never ends.

You are in a powerful position, though, to minister healing in the name of Jesus.

You can convince him that it would please you most for him to ask God’s will instead of seeking yours. He will not be easy to convince.

You can encourage him to go ahead and risk making a mistake. He will despair over it, even in his sleep.

You can accept him, blunders, and all. He will be awaiting your rejection, instead.

He wants you to be his Light that shows him the way each day. God wants you to be the light in the window to draw him back home each night.

You can assure him that you will love him for a lifetime, no matter what. If it takes a lifetime, it truly does not matter. It is do-able. Minister acceptance to your husband and you will be an instrument in God’s hand to help him stand tall in the acceptance that is his in Jesus Christ. You will become the helper he needs, a helper that is fit for him, his helpmeet.

If he were a missionary, he would need a missionary helpmeet. If he were a lawyer, he would need a helpmeet who could maneuver in society. If he were poor, he would need a helpmeet who could follow a budget. If he were lame, he would need a helpmeet who could endure the smell of liniment.

Instead of these requirements, your husband needs mending. He needs time. He needs smiles. He needs space. Above all, he needs to know of your love on a daily, or even hourly basis. Tell him, show him, and prove to him, many times over, that you love him. Never think that now, finally, you have convinced him.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. (Proverbs 31:11) So says Scripture of the good wife. It then lists the benefits the good wife provides for her husband so that he need not venture out for them. You can provide cheer, comfort, love, and acceptance for him. He need not look beyond your lovely face for hope. You can show him, even be for him the love of Jesus manifested into his life. You can help him see the hope that lies in Jesus.

Listen to this conversation between a married couple from Scripture: “We are doomed to die!” he said to his wife. “We have seen God!” But his wife answered, “If the LORD had meant to kill us, he would not have accepted a burnt offering and grain offering from our hands, nor shown us all these things or now told us this.” Can you see the way Samson’s mother tried to instill hope and joy into the heart of her husband, who was relating to good tidings from a basis of fear?

You can do the same. You can help your husband love God and look to Him for guidance. You can help him learn to trust in the love of God. You can help him relax in the presence of God. You can be good tidings, in his life. He will begin to trust you. He will join your children in rising up to call you blessed. He will begin to praise you. He will feel safe.

It will be the first time in his life.

___________________________

Image by Chris Campbell via Flickr

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Seven Reasons Your Christian Husband Can’t Do Better – Part 3

Posted on October 26, 2011October 27, 2011 by Katharine

Reason #3

He Is in Bondage

What does this mean?

Just as it sounds, he has cords, chains tied around his life and he is unable to escape from his sins. They pursue him, overtake him, enslave him. He tries to understand. He explains to himself, rehearsing what he will say if confronted, all to very little avail. It is a rut. He is stuck, tortured, crippled. There seems to be no way out. The power of God over sin seems to be for everyone else.

Solution #3: How does this happen? Sometimes (most times) this condition in someone who claims Christ, comes from unforgiveness.

In Matthew 6:15 the Lord tells us that God’s people must forgive others to receive forgiveness from the Father. The man holding others in unforgiveness places himself in grave spiritual danger. He shows that even greater sin lies dormant within himself, awaiting a moment to manifest. He proves his need for the grace of God while risking forfeiture of that grace. In fact, he refuses grace.

Failing to go for grace when he is needy, he becomes enslaved. It is such a potential for great loss.

There is little you can do if your husband’s unforgiveness is plaguing your marriage. If he is sinning, you can hardly stop sinning for him. Your patience and prayers are the best you can give.

It’s a different story, though, if the wife is holding him in bondage through her unforgiveness. In Matthew 16:19, we find that if a Christian forgives someone, he is forgiven in God’s eyes. God gives us that authority. This means that when your husband is going too fast on the highway, you can forgive him and free him to receive grace to conquer lawlessness. When he overeats, you can forgive him and free him to receive grace to conquer gluttony. When he neglects to pay bills, you can forgive him and free him to receive grace to conquer laziness.

This makes an enormous difference.

Hard to believe? Look at the Apostle Paul. When he called himself “Saul”, he was one of the Romans who helped kill Christians, hardly a small sin, hardly something you could forgive if you found it in your husband. Yet, Stephen forgave Saul, freeing him for his future. Read about it in Acts 7:58 – 9:1. It really happened: A Godly person forgave the unforgivable. He released the sinner to receive Christ’s ministry and become Christ’s minister. What Stephen forgave on this earth was forgiven in heaven. Stephen was like Jesus in his death.

We are called to be like Christ. That is what the word “Christian” means. If Jesus Christ could love and forgive you when you were His enemy, if Stephen could forgive his murderous enemy, how much more should we be willing to forgive the husband of our heart, our beloved, the one we chose to share this life with!

This two-sided commission also gives us authority to hold a man to his sin, to hold him in bondage. Before we shrug this off, remember that if a husband is bound to a sin, the wife is too, because we are bound to them in marriage. Taking this lightly is dangerous because God takes it seriously. You bind your husband to his sin, yourself to him, your children to you both, to the third and fourth generations of them that hate the Lord. Hate is a strong word, but Jesus said it: You cannot serve two masters. You love only one and hate the other. Whomever you serve, is your master. If you serve the god of unforgiveness, I fear for your family.

There is one more fearful facet to this truth: If you hold your daddy in unforgiveness, binding him to his sin, you need to realize you are bound to him, too, as his daughter. Are you seeing some of his same sins in your husband or in your children? Is it beginning to make sense? Forgiveness IS the key, just as God said. The joyful thing is: you hold the key.

Matthew 16:18-19

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The Keys in the Car Caper

Posted on September 24, 2011November 18, 2013 by Katharine

keys to your kingdom — Take your keys with you!

“You can tell it any way you want to, but you did it.”

Those were my husband’s parting words to me, administered with an ornery grin.

Oh yeah. I did it.

I went to town (partly to run errands for him) and when I accidentally left my keys in the car, I also accidentally locked it.

It’s one of those newer models and the guys in the auto parts store apologized that they were scared to try to help with it.

It would have made a good Lucy Ball episode.

Except — these days we have cell phones. I could call my husband and plead insanity and he would come help me.

Except — he wasn’t in the house. So I unknowingly woke our night-shift working daughter. Ooh, I was so sorry about that. She had no idea where her dad was, she mumbled to me, but would find him for me and he would come and help me.

Except — when he got back to the house from tending chickens, he learned he also had accidentally left his keys in the car I had taken to town. He remembered and found the valet key he had stashed wherever guys keep valet keys, borrowed our daughter’s car, and came to my rescue.

Meanwhile, I had gone across the street to get a cup of coffee and had shared my end of the story with the kind waitress. She was so sympathetic, she gave me her pen to cheer me up.

By now, as I feared, the whole town knows about our keys, the only excitement we’ve had for at least a week, but I have learned a new level of cherishing thankfulness for this tiny town where the parts guys contemplated helping and the coffee waitress gave me her pen.

And that’s how I want to tell it.

And I did not do quite all of it.

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Friendship Hierarchy

Posted on September 17, 2011October 25, 2018 by Katharine

A Conclusion

Jesus, while on this earth, befriended thousands, among them:

120 who believed in Him, followed Him – Acts 1:15

72 who did ministry for Him – Luke 10:1, 17

12 whom He discipled, whom He called “friends” – Mark 3:14

3 whom He granted more insight and understanding – Mark 5:37, 9:2, 14:33

AND

The one whom He loved, who leaned upon Him at meals, to whom He entrusted His last revelation.
John 13:33, 21:7, 20, Revelation 1:1-2

What is a best friend?

Oh, if only we all could be perfect friends! What a world it would be!

But it is not.

The day may come, though, when each of us can realize, “My friend is as close to me as myself. I love this friend like my own life. She is the best friend a person could ever be.”

“Best” friends have existed from the beginning of recorded history. Words for “best friend” appear in many languages. The ancient Hebrew word was alluph meaning “guide, chief friend”. The Greeks grasped this idea, too, with their word peitho meaning “persuade, trust, confidence”. The words appear in Proverbs 16:28, 17:9 and Acts 12:20, where it mentions a man who is “trusted personal servant of the king”.

You know, the one who saddles his horse, pours his wine, and hands him his clothing; the one who stores his seal, adjusts his armor, and sleeps in his doorway. No one gets past this man because he loves his king more than his own life. The king has hand-picked him because of his loyalty. Many may want the job, may even attack the servant with gossip, because of jealousy, but the king has final say and this man is it.

This closest friend has free access to your soul, can tell you off or kiss your cheek without blame. It is the duty and privilege of this closest friend.

You would trust this friend to discipline your own children, to manage your estate, to give you a sponge bath if you had a fever. You would trust this friend to talk you into or out of a huge decision.

You would tell this friend first, if you sinned a huge sin. The wrong person in this slot could completely destroy you.

Pure trust. Pure friendship. It happens once in a lifetime for some, never for others.

No one, no one, should enter into this type of friendship lightly. Such trust must always be earned.

Such trust is not always mutual. One friend may trust more than the other because of differences in caution levels, need levels, or past hurts. Even lack of time can cause one to forego such friendship.

Sometimes it is fleeting. Two men trapped in a fallen mine shaft may trust each other in this way until they are rescued, when those golden hours become a golden memory of the highest humanity can be.

Sometimes we must trust medical professionals this way, for a brief time, and, of course, sometimes that forced trust can seem very awkward.

What joy that for some women, such a friendship develops inside marriage! Many women, though, may feel they need one female friend of nearly equal status to the husband, just to have someone with whom they can discuss the pitfalls and surprises of marriage to a man.

For some of us, our own mothers can be this type of friend. For some of us, our mothers must rely upon us in this manner.

Jonathan risked his life to save David’s. Nehemiah was cupbearer to the king. My sister was my mother’s executrix. Pure trust, rightly placed, is a precious gift.

If you find that opportunity, take it.

Take it very slowly.

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Been Unfriended?

Posted on September 16, 2011October 25, 2018 by Katharine

People can be complicated.

Friendships can be messy.

Knowing more can be scary.

With the knowing, the deeper truths, and the closer expressions of concern, can come the fears, the denials, and the silence.

The dark days of friendship.

A couple of friends once asked me if my young teen daughter could arbitrate between their two teens. I could hardly believe my ears. The three of us were close, so I shared my many concerns and said no.

The ramifications were astounding: a seeming total breakdown in all communication.

They literally continued being friends to each other without me and my daughter.

Wow.

A full year later, we were all at an event at a park. One of these friends had a newly-minted, biggest-baddest car-of-the-year and asked me if I would enjoy taking it around the park with her.

The shock!

Still the idea of sitting behind all 4 million horses under that hood was too tempting and we took her for a spin at park speed: 5 mph. Ha.

It was glorious and just destroyed my mini-van, in my eyes.

However, what happened during that drive was more. Far more. This dear friend apologized. She said she was wrong. She had thought I was wrong but she saw differently later. She thanked me for my dedication to truth and to our friendship. I thanked her for the same two things.

We are still friends, the kind that can be apart for a year and then take it up like we were just days apart. Which we did.

This was deep.

This was asking advice on children and giving it.

This was disagreeing and staying cool for a year.

This was trusting an apology would fix it.

This was forgiving wrongs. Deep, deep, deep, like few, few, few friendships ever can be.

The ancients called these types of friendships leb in Hebrew and philos in Greek, implying core understanding, brotherhood. This friend would visit a friend in jail. This friend would give up a year of pleasure for a friend. This friend would help a relative of a friend, if asked; would party and rejoice at a friend’s joy. Read about it in Ruth 2:13 and John 3:29.

But it can backfire.

Big.

All people have at their fingertips the ability to do wrong. This is what we risk in every relationship, but the closer we grow, the more we risk.

The closer we are, the more accurately we can aim our weapons.

And, oh, the more it hurts.

This is a call for caution.

Some people are broken and do not know how to be a friend. Befriending them will always be a lopsided venture, more give than take, like dancing with someone who doesn’t know the steps. Befriending them will always carry risk. Befriending someone who might backfire is a noble calling, not a picnic.

As long as we remember each of us is able to fail, as long as we dedicate ourselves to befriending and not to collecting fun people, we can proceed. We can gently and lovingly share the truth in hope, not that the friendship will one day benefit ME, but that it will one day bring glory to God.

And that is where we all should be.

Comments? Read more?

BE the friend she needs, instead of collecting friends. Be the adult in your friendships!

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To Befriend or NOT to Befriend . . .

Posted on September 14, 2011October 25, 2018 by Katharine

Okay, you know her name and that she has three children and came from Peoria, and she attends your church when she bothers with attending.

You even know what she and her husband argue about. She lives just down the street, after all.

You just do not feel very close. Oh, sure, you’ve given her a ride when her car was in the shop, you watched her children while she painted a room, and you took her some soup when they all had flu. She lives just down the street, after all.

She is what the ancient Hebrew called anesh-shalom and the ancient Greek called hetairos. These words referred to acquaintances that we work with, live with, even depend upon, but yet are not necessarily of our choosing. Examples are Jeremiah 38:22 and Matthew 20:13.

It would not yet be wise to trust her, but how do you befriend her?

You take food to her, help with her children, and give her rides; that’s how.

While you are at it, show interest. If you are only a helping hand, she will feel like a charity case. A person usually cannot open up to another unless there is a trade, a give and take, like a dance. If, over coffee or tea, you ask to see the paint job, ask her for a ride in return, or ask if her children would feed your cat while you are gone, you will deepen the relationship.

You will earn closeness that allows you to ask better questions than, “How are you today?”.

Questions like:

“You look tired—bad night?”

“So, how do you like the neighborhood? Are you meeting folks?”

“It was good to see you Sunday—Have you decided to join us, or are you still looking?”

Her answers will open doors for new conversations that are more meaningful. Conversations are the building blocks of true friendship. Slip in a hug, when appropriate, and you add the cherry on top: You add value to her person.

Realizing that each person on this earth is needy is the key to all relationships.

We once lived next door to the wealthiest family in town, totally out of our league. The wife one day asked my permission to help plant my rose bushes. The part she really wanted to do was pick the grass roots from the soil, so it would not grow back so quickly. Her daddy, she said, used to make her do that chore and she seldom got a chance to show her expertise at it, anymore.

When we got thirsty, I brought out ice water in my old jelly glass tumblers. We sat on the edge of the terrace, on a railroad tie, and chatted as if we were just a couple of women who liked playing in the dirt, in our grubby clothes. We talked about our mothers-in-law and about the neighbor’s cute grandson. You know, normal stuff.

She needed to feel normal.

And haven’t we all been there.

Comment?

Sunday Scriptures – Path

Posted on September 4, 2011December 18, 2014 by Katharine

Show me Thy ways,

Oh, Lord,

Tag: trust