To Befriend or NOT to Befriend . . .

BE the friend she needs, instead of collecting friends. Be the adult in your friendships!

Okay, you know her name and that she has three children and came from Peoria, and she attends your church when she bothers with attending.

You even know what she and her husband argue about. She lives just down the street, after all.

You just do not feel very close. Oh, sure, you’ve given her a ride when her car was in the shop, you watched her children while she painted a room, and you took her some soup when they all had flu. She lives just down the street, after all.

She is what the ancient Hebrew called anesh-shalom and the ancient Greek called hetairos. These words referred to acquaintances that we work with, live with, even depend upon, but yet are not necessarily of our choosing. Examples are Jeremiah 38:22 and Matthew 20:13.

BE the friend she needs, instead of collecting friends!It would not yet be wise to trust her, but how do you befriend her?

You take food to her, help with her children, and give her rides; that’s how.

While you are at it, show interest. If you are only a helping hand, she will feel like a charity case. A person usually cannot open up to another unless there is a trade, a give and take, like a dance. If, over coffee or tea, you ask to see the paint job, ask her for a ride in return, or ask if her children would feed your cat while you are gone, you will deepen the relationship.

You will earn closeness that allows you to ask better questions than, “How are you today?”.

Questions like:

“You look tired—bad night?”

“So, how do you like the neighborhood? Are you meeting folks?”

“It was good to see you Sunday—Have you decided to join us, or are you still looking?”

Her answers will open doors for new conversations that are more meaningful. Conversations are the building blocks of true friendship. Slip in a hug, when appropriate, and you add the cherry on top: You add value to her person.

Realizing that each person on this earth is needy is the key to all relationships.

We once lived next door to the wealthiest family in town, totally out of our league. The wife one day asked my permission to help plant my rose bushes. The part she really wanted to do was pick the grass roots from the soil, so it would not grow back so quickly. Her daddy, she said, used to make her do that chore and she seldom got a chance to show her expertise at it, anymore.

When we got thirsty, I brought out ice water in my old jelly glass tumblers. We sat on the edge of the terrace, on a railroad tie, and chatted as if we were just a couple of women who liked playing in the dirt, in our grubby clothes. We talked about our mothers-in-law and about the neighbor’s cute grandson. You know, normal stuff.

She needed to feel normal.

And haven’t we all been there.


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Published by Katharine

Katharine is a writer, speaker, women's counselor, and professional mom. Happily married over 50 years to the same gorgeous guy. She loves cooking amazing homegrown food, celebrating grandbabies, her golden-egg-laying hennies, and watching old movies with popcorn. Her writing appears at Medium, Arkansas Women Bloggers, Contently, The Testimony Train, Taste Arkansas, Only in Arkansas, and in several professional magazines and one anthology.

11 thoughts on “To Befriend or NOT to Befriend . . .

  1. Love this post, Kathy. The part that completely enveloped my heart was the two sentences at the end. She needed to feel normal. And haven’t we all been there. I said “Yes” right out loud. There are days when we each feel as though we are square pegs in round holes…and we most definitely just want to feel normal….Yeah. Thanks for this post, SO much.

    1. Kate, you are SO welcome!
      I think the square peg feeling IS normal. It washes all over my soul just before I click “publish”. 🙂
      Therefore, I thank YOU for this affirmation. Nobody’s normal, so everybody is.

    1. Jackie, I welcome you!
      And thanks, so much for your kind words. So glad I could help some way.
      Yes, I am well, thanks. Busy, but that beats bedridden, any day. 🙂
      Hope you and yours are well, too.

  2. I think working in that kind of way alongside people helps me to get to know them. I am hopeless at traditional standing-about-with-a-drink-in-hand events. I can’t think of a thing to say.
    But pitching a tent, or painting a wall – great territory for building relationships.

    1. Thanks for this comment, a good point! I love to talk, even at social events, but I know that only builds superficial relationships, not the deep kinds of friendships that come from things as simple as sharing rides. Sharing work loads, sharing projects, and such things, build true, deep relationships that have a chance to last. Thanks for bringing this up.

  3. Kathy- THANK YOU for sharing this with me! I enjoy your point of view and refreshing awareness of others.

    On a personal note, my friendship I was mourning is still buried as far as I know… however, my post brought another “lost” friend back to me. We are working on our friendship…on mending.

    God Bless you and yours.

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